I’ve got a bit of a fever as I’m writing this post. But also – in case no one could clearly tell from the website getting abruptly shut down not once, but twice – I’m mentally sick.
To everyone who’s been asking me if I’m okay: no. I am not okay.
As much as I want to keep LGC around, and as much as I didn’t want to break that promise, unfortunately writing for this site has taken quite a beating on my mental health and sanity. So much so that that has what caused me to impulsively shut everything down out of nowhere. My sanity will just simply not permit me to continue running this site. All the crap that’s going on in my personal and family life doesn’t do much to help. Maybe the autism spectrum has something to do with it. I don’t know.
As a content creator, there’s this constant anxiety. You ask yourself, “What am I going to talk about today? Is the news relevant to what I primarily talk about on the site? If I do decide to talk about it, how much detail should I get into it? Are other websites talking about it too? How quickly should I get it out, or should I wait a few days in case clarification arises later? How many articles should I get out?” Because, in this fast-paced day and age of the Internet, as soon as you stop posting content, you also stop having any sort of relevance, because there’s always going to be at least one website that’s going to get to the news that you didn’t cover. So, I’ve always felt the need to have at least one post out per day.
Many of us have to work outside of writing or making videos about the things we love. As someone who works six days a week, when I get home from a long day, I just want to relax. I want to de-stress from the day and play a couple of rounds of Smash Brothers. But I couldn’t do that as a content creator. After I come home from work, I’d have that pressure of writing a review for that Steam Deck accessory I may have got at three in the morning. And though some may be jealous of some of the stuff I’ve gotten over the years, what other content creators may not tell you is the untold amount of hours that go on behind the scenes reviewing that product. Getting a camera ready and recording to do an unboxing. Taking that video and editing it on the computer so it’s presentable. The untold amount of photos that have to be taken at every angle, and also editing and cropping those. The amount of time that goes into writing the review itself. Should you include a teardown video? If so should you talk about the repairability perspective? At that point you might as well just buy the accessory with your own money and take that pressure off of yourself.
As someone who’s been writing for close to ten years now, I would tend to think I would get paid at this point. Or, at least write for a site that would. I can’t begin to describe in words how frustrating and unfair it’s been to see websites that are “younger” than me become so successful that they’re able to write for their site as a full-time job in just one year. Nevermind the fact that they didn’t even have any prior experience in journalism when they founded their website. Attributing their success to “luck” seems like absolute BS to me.
As a reminder, for the majority of the time I’ve been running LGC, I didn’t ask for money. And even when I did, I was getting chump change at $10 a month. That $10 is just enough to buy a latte – a latte that has maybe five or six ounces of liquid, followed by two pounds of ice. Even without making any money, running this site felt like a full-time job. I just sort of felt this moral obligation that I had to report on every little thing that I saw, and then I would feel bad if I didn’t cover it.
People have suggested to just take a break. However, it’s frankly hard to do so. Because, that whole time you’re taking a break, you’re still thinking about what you’re going to talk about when you get back. You also have the anxiety of knowing that, there are articles that you missed during that week that you took off, and now you feel pressured to play catch-up as soon as you return.
People have told me I shouldn’t give up. Yet, if I don’t give up on this website, I might as well just continue to give up on my sanity and going towards this downward spiral – to the point where something bad might happen. Which, of course, none of us want.
People tell me I should get therapy. Here’s the thing, though: therapy doesn’t come cheap. And don’t get me started on the whole “Don’t you have health insurance?” thing. That’s a can of worms in of itself. By not having the website around, maybe I actually could afford it, because I’ll have more time to work.
LGC will shut down for good on the two-year anniversary on March 7, 2024. It’s not going to last a day longer than that. Because, every time I look at this website, I have to be reminded of the arguments I’ve gotten into with other content creators. I have to be reminded of the uncomfortable silence from a content creator who once supported me but suddenly turned cold a few weeks later and responded with a curt “no comment” when I asked if I did anything that may have offended them. I have to be reminded of just how much better other websites and YouTubers are doing, even if they haven’t been around as long as I have. I have to be reminded of just how much it pisses me off to hear a content creator’s voice, seeing other people link to their work, or just seeing their site show up in a search engine. I have to be reminded of those ungrateful sacks of crap who haven’t expressed any appreciation for the hard-earned cash I sent their way, or maybe even the games I bought for them because I felt bad. I have to be reminded of just how much time and money I invest into this site, only for little to be returned.
So, I kindly ask that, if there’s an article you wish to keep before the website shuts down for good, please download it now. Seems like most of my articles have been cached on the Wayback Machine, so I guess you may not even have to do anything on your part.
Where am I going to go at this point? It’s frankly too early to tell at this point. I will say though, it will be nice to actually play a game on my Legion Go and not have the anxiety of needing to write a review for it, or write a guide on how to install mods for it. It will be nice to actually have time to go for a walk now, or go to the gym. It will be nice to actually have more hours to work so that I can spend money on myself and my personal projects – not to send that money to some scumbag that’s just going to block me at the end of the day.
To the 99% of people who have actually supported me: thank you for the kind words you’ve sent over the years. Please know that this post isn’t directed at you personally. Big shoutout to Luke Short, who has been a great moral support for me well throughout the time LGC has been around. Whenever I fell down, he was always there to pick me back up. Always had a kind word to say to me, and never put me down. Thanks also go to Steam Deck Checker, who has been pretty much the only content creator out there who has cared enough to actually link to my work from time-to-time. And thanks to Samsagax, who has checked in on me occasionally.
P.S.: if any of you had sent me any DMs on Discord, I didn’t get them. My Discord account is in the process of deactivation. If you need to get a hold of me please email me.